ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
