Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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