The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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