White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
