I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
