this boner is exhausting
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
