I wish I could teleport
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
