trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
