Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
