I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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