the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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