I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
