True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I want her autograph on my taint
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
