I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
