your thong is hanging out like whoa
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
