So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
