I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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