Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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