FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
