I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
