i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
