Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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