He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
