Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
