So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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