the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
