Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
