If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
