God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
