My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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