Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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