we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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