Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
