Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
