I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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