i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
