Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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