The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
