Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
