even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
