No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
