don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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