Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
