dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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