U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
