apparently the secret to your success is patron
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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