Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
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