She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
