As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How external is "for external use only"?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
