Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
